First post of 2019

The last month flew by like a breeze. I have not had much time to update my blog. The good news is that we found decently priced movers, and will be living Toronto for good (most likely, for as long as Doug Ford is Premier in Ontario). The PC government has been cutting off a lot of social services, and even gave themselves an increase on the amount they can declare for housing, while scrapping rent control, the minimum wage increase that was supposed to take effect as of January 1st, no more free tuition, amongst other things. It is a complete mess, and it is clear that the Conservatives do not care about poor people, especially LGBTQ and people of colour. It is no longer safe for people like me (disabled, poor, and queer) to stay in Ontario.

The weather here is currently a deep freeze. Step into a freezer and you’ll get the idea, though you’d be missing the wind. Many homeless people in Toronto will likely die from exposure, because mayor Tory won’t open more space to offer shelter to them. Last night, when the windchill made it feel like it was -35ºC, the heat in our unit was off, despite my landlady claiming it was never turned off, but then in another email, she said she turned it off because *she* was hot! It takes a lot from me to request fixing things, because I detest confrontation, so I tend to be as polite and diplomatic. Then we received a hostile reply that we are complaning too much, and preventing her from doing her work. I have never felt so disrespected. Of course we are going to get in touch if something needs to be fixed, is that not the point? It is really upsetting, I just want to maintain peace, but being bullied and silenced doesn’t sit right with me.

As if things didn’t already suck so much, yesterday I was thrown in Facebook jail for saying that “Men are trash”. 3 days where I can’t post or comment, or even use Messenger. It’s truly appalling when reporting content that is clearly racist, homophobic, transphobic, and misogynistic, rarely get taken down. Men can threaten women with violence, and Facebook will take your screenshots down for being against their TOU. The assholes doing the threatening though? No consequences whatsoever. My presence on this site will be greatly reduced once I’m free. I cannot continue to support a platform that cares so little about its users. Cutting me off from Messenger is terrible, this is what pisses me off more than not being able to post or comment on FB. That’s how many people, including family, keep in touch with me. Now I have to email my mom to reassure her I’m not dead. Mark Zuckerberg only cares about white, cis, straight men. 

I will update this blog again once we are all settled in at our new place. It will be a stressful 8 days. 

New Beginnings

I sincerely apologize for not updating in so long. There’s been a course of events that’s been really hard to keep up with.

First, I’ve been having endometriosis symptoms again. My private insurance maxed out in September, and I had to somehow decide which meds to prioritize. I tried to just put up with it, without medical cannabis since 1) I cannot afford it since it is not covered by either OHIP or my private drug plan and 2) ever since legalization took place about a month ago, there have been shortages – apparently recreational cannabis gets priority over medical because the government taxes it at a higher rate – and Canada Post has been on strike since early October, and they are the main courier for anything ordered either via the Ontario Cannabis Store or most Licensed Producers. I’ll dedicate an entire entry about cannabis since it is a very important subject which I’m very passionate about.

As November came by, my SAD (Seasonal Affective Disorder) hit me pretty brutally. I have a light therapy lamp, but I don’t apply enough discipline to do it every day. That’s when things started getting foul at work. I gave so much of the little energy I had to my work, but it was never explicitely praised or celebrated. I had been in this department the longest, but that was only an excuse to ask me to be a superhero.There was one recent event where I had a really good day. I got picked to be a backgroupd performer for a huge TV production. I cannot reveal many details on the nature of it, but that day, I met wonderful people on set and had a blast. I have some social anxiety, so showing up on set not knowing a single soul was rather terrifying. But a fellow performer came to chat with me, complimented my glasses, and we ended up being in the same group. We exchanged phone numbers and social media handles. The call time was 6:30am, and we wrapped up for the day at 12:30pm, which my new friend said was indicative of a good shoot, and her easiest so far. I went back home feeling elated about the whole experience. 

But soon after, things took a different direction. And would you know it, this Thursday morning, something more or less unexpected happened. I got to work, opened my emails, and saw a meeting request 15 minutes into my shift, that was titled “quick discussion/update”. Being an anxious person in nature, my brain sent a panic signal, which I tried to dismiss, because it was meant to take place at a moreso semi-public space. 

But once I went up to said spot, my manager was there and took me to HR, not saying a word. I should have known. As soon as I sat down, he says he has “bad news” and proceeds to tell me it would be my last day here. Because of traumatic terminations in the past, I full-on panicked. My husband has been unemployed since February, has had multiple job interviews that lead nowhere, only feeding his depression even more. I asked my manager to tell me why I was being let go, and he simply said “performance issues” which I automatically questioned. I was not given any warnings, or write-ups about my performance, so that was quite shady. He then left me with HR, who explained it was termination without cause, which was a silver lining (it makes me eligible to Employment Insurance). 

The severance package was quite generous, the best one yet in my professional life. That definitely softened the blow. The one thing I’ve always hated about being laid off is that I’m never allowed to go back to my desk to pick up personal belongings. My manager picked up my “immediate belongings” so my coat, bag, and cane. I stil had family photos on my cubicle walls, which I assume they will mail out in the coming weeks. I also hate I was not allowed to say goodbye to the few people I was close-ish. I guess I understand why they do it, they want to prevent drama and whatnot. But that hurt more than losing my job. Thankfully, there is LinkedIn, so once I’m done “grieving”, I’ll update my profile and add former colleagues.

I took a cab home, which they let me expense given the situation. I got home, to a husband surprised to see me back home so early. I explained everything, and I was oddly calm about it all. I just saw it as a blessing in disguise. I had been quite under-stimulated for the past few weeks, and since management had no intention on promoting me, I should have seen this as a red flag. 

For the past 2 days, I’ve been doing some serious thinking about my future. I decided that I was mostly done doing anything customer service oriented, whether face to face like being a cashier, or in a contact centre setting. Counting the cashier jobs I’ve held since I started my professional life, I have about 15 years of experience. Transitioning to a different career path will be a little more difficult, but if this has taught me anything, I feel like this is fate telling me to get my Translation Certificate at U of T as soon as possible and look for freelance writing and/or translation gigs and build a portfolio. I’m hoping to enroll in the Winter 2019 semester, or at the latest, Summer 2019. It’s entirely online, which is great since I can continue working at the same time, and it is one course per semester, for a total of 4 semesters on an 18-month period. The only times I’d need to go on campus are for exams. It isn’t as expensive as a full-on Bachelor’s degree, running at about $750/semester (not including textbooks, but we’ll eventually get there), so a total of $3k for the entire program. It’s pretty reasonable and I’ll be doing more research so to know what to expect.

Despite everything, I feel surprisingly okay with this turn of events. I don’t want to think too much about the future, so it’s day to day for now. I’ll dedicate more time to writing, since I’ve found is a great outlet for my anxiety and depression. As said above, my next post will be about cannabis and the recent legalization in Canada.

Thank you for reading!

Nolite Te Bastardes Carborundorum

I know I haven’t updated this blog for a few weeks now. A lot has happened since; however, I’m happy to report that my health has improved a bit.

• I went from needing my cane daily, to about maybe 3 times at most in the last month or so. I even had days with a pain score of 0, and it hasn’t been more than maybe a 5.
• I decided to go back on Cipralex, an antidepressant and an anxiolytic. I was on it over a decade ago, and it worked really well at the time. I started taking it again on Saturday of last week, and I can’t really think of any significant side effects other than feeling a bit more tired at the end of the day.
• I returned to work on Monday. I was very anxious about it, because I had been gone for over 6 months, and was apprehensive to go back to a toxic environment like before I went on sick leave.

About a month ago, if you had told me that my return to work would have been going smoothly, I would probably have laughed in disbelief. But there is something about this new space that the previous one. I took an 8 week leave a year and a half ago, when I should have taken more time off to fully recover. That lead to a stream of micromanagement and invalidation from my employer. I requested workplace accommodations, but was constantly denied them.

Now, about that new space… While it takes maybe an extra 15 minutes each way in commute, it is a world of difference. I’m not a huge fan of open office spaces, but I have more than double the desk space I had at the old office. I HAVE A WHITEBOARD OF MY OWN! Everyone is provided with an ergonomic chair (that has like 27 different settings – which means I finally have a workspace that won’t exacerbate my chronic pain. The desk height is also adjustable, and I never thought I’d ever say this, but I can have a standing desk if I feel like it, by just raising it high enough. I try to make an effort of being in the standing position, in 15 minute increments.

Also, I was micromanaged like mad by my supervisor at the old place. Having been gone for so long, I didn’t know what I was coming back to. It turns out that some things changed in the department, but I’ve been made feel welcomed, and not pushed around. My supervisor seems to genuinely care about my well-being. I took my first call since I came back on Wednesday, but it didn’t go so well, and I had a panic attack (she was just so mean, like I took maybe 5 calls in my entire time there about the brand she was calling about). I was able to calm myself down without my anxiety meds (clonazepam), and that’s a huge deal. I noticed a lot more support from my team leads and supervisor, and they even found her to be so unreasonable.

I’ve also received praise from them, which felt so validating. This is something so few people in management do, and I never understood why. Wouldn’t you want to encourage your employees to know they feel appreciated, and that their work is great? A happy employee is a more productive employee. Micromanaging will only alienate them.

I think I already have better coping skills. I don’t know if it’s from the medication, or just me being done with this bullshit, but at any rate, I hope it stays that way. I’ve been on different antidepressants over the years. The first one I tried was Cipralex, then I switched to Effexor XR, and that was a nightmare. The withdrawal from it was hell, I needed to take it at the same hour every day, or else I’d get painful brain zaps and terrible nausea. It was the hardest drug to come off of. Would not recommend. My family doctor recommended I try Cymbalta as it apparently helps with chronic pain. I had nausea the first week and every time I’d increase my dose, but that was about it. Then I tried Pristiq. I didn’t feel anything from it, and I mean, anything. No side effects, but no benefits either. So I stopped it after a year.

The first half of 2018 has been so difficult. Most of it feels blurry, like I’ve had a cloud of fog around my head. I needed the time off to recharge my batteries. I never thought it would have taken 6 months though. I felt guilty about being off for so long, but now I know I really needed that long. Mental illness is still wildly misunderstood and dismissed, and that rings especially true if you’re really good at masking it. I hope one day this will change, considering it affects about 25% of the population.

Back

Some of you may have noticed I haven’t posted much in the last week or so. It’s not that I didn’t want to write, I just could not.

Depression & anxiety suck. Even though I wasn’t diagnosed with it until 11 years ago, have gone on several antidepressants and other medications, went (and still going) to therapy. I tend to cope with very stressful events by avoiding to think about it, and sometimes dissociation is the only way to stay sane.

I moved to Toronto a little over 4 years ago, thinking that a change of scenery would be good for me. It was a lot harder than I could ever imagine. My first job here ended after 4 months, I was apparently not a good fit (in hindsight, it was for the best, the commute I had to endure to work there was not worth it). The next company I worked for was owned by a sexist and classist asshole. I only worked for him for about 6 weeks, but it was a very traumatic experience (it’s a bit of a long story, I might keep it for another entry). I then started the job I currently still hold. The first manager I had there was great, but the new one, not so much (more about this in a future post).

I’ve been off work since January. I meant to go back in late April, but my health had not improved enough for me to put up with the toxic anxiety that place gives me. What also didn’t help was getting my short term disability claim denied by private insurance. I can’t say too much publicly about it since there’s legal action involved (thank fuck). I wish I had known that resources were available to me a lot sooner during my leave. Since I couldn’t afford unpaid time off (especially in this super expensive city), I had to go on EI sick benefits (EI= Employment Insurance – from the federal government, which I chip in on every pay). Unfortunately, my benefits are ending on July 14th, so I have 3 weeks left. The last time I heard from HR was in April.

This is the longest I’ve been off work because of my health. Of course, this makes me apprehensive about going back. I have no idea if there’ll be anyone I know left, with the high turnover rate in my department. I’m hoping for different management, but I doubt it. I can’t even think about getting a position in a different department within the same company, but because of my “low” attendance, I don’t get to have that privilege. I’m stuck at a job that won’t accommodate me even though they have to, legally (but constantly looking for loopholes or reasons why they can’t, but it’s all bullshit).

Sometimes, I think I care too much about a corporation that does not care about me. This Twitter thread was a painful truth bomb and a wake up call. Most of my professional experience is in the customer service industry. While it seemed like a good fit a decade ago, years of masking and working so hard to look “normal” have accumulated and piled up and I am now at a point of no return. My mental (and physical) health took a beating. I’ve even been told by HR that I should consider finding a different job. I mean, no shit, I would do something else if I could. But no one wants to hire someone who has over a decade of customer service experience for a level entry job in admin/offices.

I do have a degree in Biotechnology, but it’s been 13 years since I graduated, and things have changed drastically since then. I’d need to go back to school. But since then, my interests have changed. I wish I had taken Translation or Linguistics instead. What’s depressing, is that I cannot afford to do my Translation Certificate at the University of Toronto. It’s been suggested that I apply for student loans/grants but I’m very uncomfortable with going even deeper into debt. Also, UofT’s program is all online, which would allow me to keep working as it’s part time. but at $750/semester, it’s a bit steep (especially if you struggle to make ends meet). I keep hoping that my financial and heal conditions improve, so that I have more employment options.

I have at least one more appointment with my family doctor, and I trust he will be able to provide instructions for my return to work, to my employer. I know they will give me hell when I come back. They will do everything to make me leave (because if they let me go, they would require to pay severance, so that would be more expensive for them). I can’t say I’m 100% ready for that, but the lawyer helping me with my disability claim also does employment law, so I have someone on my side, should anything happen. I will have to document everything to protect myself.

In the meantime, I’ll try to enjoy the next 3 weeks to the fullest extent.

Can’t sleep

There is a term that some spoonies use for when their chronic pain interferes with their sleep.

It’s painsomnia, pain + insomnia, get it? Harhar.

And that’s what I’m dealing with right now. It’s 3:20am as of the time I’m writing this. I had a rather high anxiety day, which feeds my chronic pain from the fibromyalgia and endometriosis. I had to take my anxiety meds. I feel bad about it, because it is potentially addictive and tolerance-forming. I’m on 0.5mg-1mg clonazepam (Rivotril in Canada, Klonopin in the US) per day as needed. I have taken 1mg about 4 hours ago and still can’t sleep. I forgot that I was out of my sleeping meds (amitriptyline). That’s probably why.

I’m also anxious about the cleaners who are coming to our unit at 10am (so in 6.5 hours). I’ve vacuumed the entire flat 3 days in a row (we have cats). I’ve done the best I can to keep these beige carpets looking clean. Our landlady has once made it look like we were bad tenants. My cats have accidents, it happens. I do the best I can to clean those up ASAP. Let me just say, my next flat/apartment will not have wall to wall carpet. I know why the landlady put it in the first place – it absorbs some of the sounds (she lives downstairs to us). But it’s a real pain to keep nice.

So I guess that since I can’t sleep, I’ll try to put stuff away in preparation for the cleaners. I’ve had executive dysfunction all day with major brain fog. I also had what I call an anxiety attack hangover, like it’s small attacks but constantly. My brain felt like this. That’s the best representation of what it’s like to have a general anxiety disorder.

Anyway, I’m starting to feel slightly worse sleepy now. Hooray? I’ll be getting 4 hours of sleep if I’m lucky.

Hopefully tomorrow (err, today) will go well and not take too long.